Attending a meeting the other day, our client was after a few features and a few bug-fixes on their current site. Sitting there bored out of my mind, wondering why these couldn't just be mailed to me and they would all be done, I heard something that made me jolt. And I quote: "Could we put an MS Access database online?" My first thought: "Isn't that a spreadsheet?"
I shake myself awake and slowly explain that MS Access and "online" should never go in the same sentence.
Wednesday 20 February 2008
Tuesday 5 February 2008
Buzzword Bonanza
We all have are own little survival methods and this is one of my favourites. Every now and then my department have to join in with the rest of the company for a 'status report'.
By 'status report' I mean an hour and a half of so called managers trying to look clever in front of their respective bosses (it's a big food chain).
On the last couple of occasions deciphering what people are talking about was a serious challenge and just about staved off the sleep inducing effects of the talk. After conversing with my collegues we formed an amusing idea to help ease the nausea.
Buzzword Bonanza was created!
The rules are simple, we take a bunch of the latest buzzwords, put them into a hat and each person draws one out. During the meeting you keep a tally of how many times your word is used and the winner is the person with the highest score.
Yesterday was the first round; the winner was 'blogsphere' closely followed by 'web 2.0'
Tune in soon for another round of 'Buzzword Bonanza'... Same bat-time, same bat-channel..
By 'status report' I mean an hour and a half of so called managers trying to look clever in front of their respective bosses (it's a big food chain).
On the last couple of occasions deciphering what people are talking about was a serious challenge and just about staved off the sleep inducing effects of the talk. After conversing with my collegues we formed an amusing idea to help ease the nausea.
Buzzword Bonanza was created!
The rules are simple, we take a bunch of the latest buzzwords, put them into a hat and each person draws one out. During the meeting you keep a tally of how many times your word is used and the winner is the person with the highest score.
Yesterday was the first round; the winner was 'blogsphere' closely followed by 'web 2.0'
Tune in soon for another round of 'Buzzword Bonanza'... Same bat-time, same bat-channel..
Friday 1 February 2008
The Great Orator?
In this line of work first impressions count for a lot. Pitches and contracts can be lost within the first few minutes of a meeting by simply saying the wrong thing never mind turning up unprepared or late!
I always find that a critical part of such meetings is the ability to address the client confidently and eloquently in order to give a good impression of yourself. I don't mean using long, obscure words but simply conveying your point without stuttering or hesitation.
Not everyone seems to be able to this. Not even for one sentence. Not even on a topic they know off by heart.
This is not nerves, this is a natural pre disposition. Every other word is separated by "errrmmm" regardless of topic!
Would you like a drink?
Errrmm a coffee errr with one sugar thanks
If these people can't even manage such a simple answer how the hell do they plan to talk to clients without looking like a blithering imbecile!
Pass me a shot gun...
I always find that a critical part of such meetings is the ability to address the client confidently and eloquently in order to give a good impression of yourself. I don't mean using long, obscure words but simply conveying your point without stuttering or hesitation.
Not everyone seems to be able to this. Not even for one sentence. Not even on a topic they know off by heart.
This is not nerves, this is a natural pre disposition. Every other word is separated by "errrmmm" regardless of topic!
Would you like a drink?
Errrmm a coffee errr with one sugar thanks
If these people can't even manage such a simple answer how the hell do they plan to talk to clients without looking like a blithering imbecile!
Pass me a shot gun...
Tuesday 8 January 2008
FAAQ (Frequently Asked Asinine Questions)
Some of the most amusing and glaringly stupid questions I have ever encounted in no particular order..
"Is google automated?" - Err, not unless there's a magic pixie that can read, search and sort data really quickly and comes with an rj45 port!
A few other classics from the less aware amongst us.
"Why does my google browser have a blue 'e' icon?" - Hmm, go hit yourself... hard..
"What's a fat lady singing got to do with my website?" - Dont talk to me again... ever.
"Mozilla, is that a movie about a dinosaur?" - Excuse me a moment; before talking to you on your level I need to get a lobotomy.
"I like chocolate, can my cookie be chocolate chip?" - Hmm, I'm afraid something has come up and I can no longer do your website. Please Leave...
"Is google automated?" - Err, not unless there's a magic pixie that can read, search and sort data really quickly and comes with an rj45 port!
A few other classics from the less aware amongst us.
"Why does my google browser have a blue 'e' icon?" - Hmm, go hit yourself... hard..
"What's a fat lady singing got to do with my website?" - Dont talk to me again... ever.
"Mozilla, is that a movie about a dinosaur?" - Excuse me a moment; before talking to you on your level I need to get a lobotomy.
"I like chocolate, can my cookie be chocolate chip?" - Hmm, I'm afraid something has come up and I can no longer do your website. Please Leave...
Wednesday 2 January 2008
The Never Ending Brief..
Jargon comes with the job, but at times even a seasoned pro can be dumbfounded by certain peoples talent for converting a simple list of requests into a sprawling mess of prose and postulation.
Today I received the best example of this kind of bs yet. This brief (bearing in mind that briefs, like the name suggests should be, well, brief) covered an entire A4 sheet and contained a paltry 5 points of information.
Everything else was surplus to requirements... Bullet points were made for a reason!!
Today I received the best example of this kind of bs yet. This brief (bearing in mind that briefs, like the name suggests should be, well, brief) covered an entire A4 sheet and contained a paltry 5 points of information.
Everything else was surplus to requirements... Bullet points were made for a reason!!
The E in Email
When I got assigned to a recent internal project I was quite excited at first. A chance at working on something advertising not a client but the agency iteself, wow, "that's going to be even higher quality" I thought. I realised my mistake within hours.
After 3 weeks of hell I had learned the worst possible client is the company you work for. And of course the worst person working for that client is the account handler. Suffice to say 100 million copy changes later the suggestion that part of the terms and conditions for this flash game should be that an internet connection is required to play the game.
An Online Flash Game.
With an Email Distribution Medium.
The wonder that is the brain of the account handler never ceases to amaze me.
After 3 weeks of hell I had learned the worst possible client is the company you work for. And of course the worst person working for that client is the account handler. Suffice to say 100 million copy changes later the suggestion that part of the terms and conditions for this flash game should be that an internet connection is required to play the game.
An Online Flash Game.
With an Email Distribution Medium.
The wonder that is the brain of the account handler never ceases to amaze me.
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